Trainer Terror

Last week was a first time I have ever stepped into a gym.  The lack of riding weather has forced bikers all over the Eastern seaboard indoors and I have now entered their inglorious ranks. Rows and rows of grunting and sweating humanity spread out before me like a Roman era galley or Third World sweatshop.  I couldn't help thinking, "You mean these people actually pay good money to inflict such pain upon themselves?" Over in the corner was a machine that looked vaguely familiar; I naturally gravitated to it because of my predilection toward machines with pedals and wheely things.  After climbing onboard I saw a flashing button that said, “Hill Climb Plus.” Wanting to prove that I was a tireless stud I pressed it with my index finger and set the resistance to “Cramp and Puke.” Just like my favorite form of off-road transportation I smashed down on the pedals got my rpms up to speed.  “What is going on here! I am pedaling so hard I am risking dislocating my femur and yet I don’t seem to be moving!” It seems I had been duped. Instead of an invigorating spin along a pristine forest trail I was stuck in a hot building sweating bullets with other people that were just as desperately pathetic as me. Not being the type of person to quit I kept up the furious pace for the next 20 minutes until my body forced me to concede defeat. As it happened my legs were not the source of my failure. The fiend that had designed this wretched excuse for a bike had cleverly designed a razor sharp hatchet head to look like the bike seat version of a Select Comfort mattress. After the first pangs I got off and prodded the offending seat. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. Once again I climbed back on and began pedaling. Mind numbing pain coursed from my nether regions thoughout my entire body.  No longer able to force my broken body to respond I had to tumble into a quivering mass beside the victorious machine.

Forget waterboarding, just make a terrorist pedal a stationary bike for 30 minutes, that will get him to talk!